Silhouette ::

Music of the Night

2007-05-16T22:37:00.001+10:00

And he'll always be there singing songs in my head
And he'll always be there singing songs in my head

Luring me away from life, a glove of black kid reaches for mine, waiting for my hand. Waiting to lead me away. He beckons like Death itself, and a glorious and seductive being Death is then, if Death had half his charisma.

However many times I have listened to it, whether from the original soundtrack or from the movie, this is a story that still haunts me in the inner reaches of my soul. The purity of her voice, beating like a bird within my chest, I feel mine attempt to take flight as well. I never understood the pull of fairy-tale prince Raoul. Is it perhaps a telling flaw of mine that I am driven to darkness? Darkness sings, the Phantom sings, and I unfurl my black black feathered wings to follow. Gladly I would leave the sunshine and places of light for the Underground.

Oh Goblin King of the Labyrinth, my Phantom of the Opera, Lestat, you blond Prince of Darkness. I have never forgotten, even in the practical, insipid, bland adult life that stretches away from me now. Bring me back the wine richness to permeate my life. Colour me more than gray.

Because only Spartan women give birth to REAL MEN

2007-04-25T02:20:00.001+10:00

Ok. So let's see what a REAL man looks like. Remember Captain Artemis' son, Astinos, who got his head chopped off in the last quarter or so of 300? So all you women out there were cooing over him, right? Have to admit he looks quite hot. But yeah, so you thought he was the Legolas of Lord of the Rings, Nobutada of The Last Samurai... etc etc etc. Ladies. Let's see what a REAL SPARTAN MAN looks like.

(This is Michael Fassbender. My favourite :D )

(Look at him flyyyy....)

(Very hot... literally)

(Am I the only one who thinks this scene looked damn cool?)

Okay, back to the point... our main man Tom Wisdom as Astinos during the premiere of 300.

Looking good Tom. A better looking Brad Pitt.

Leftmost guy in still. Not bad, eh? (Can't find a better picture of him in the film as yet. Someone care to contribute?)

Here he is again in Journey's End... wearing a pot on his head.

And last but not least...

Ladies, meet Marco Bailey, affected, effeminate, half-gay pretty boy of British TV series Mile High fame (He's a steward-ess on Fresh! airlines).

Here's your real Spartan man. Watch Mile High and you'll know how ironic this is. He must have done a lot of body-building for 300, because he was a little puny boy with no biceps in Mile High... which was such a brainless TV series that you can't really even find much info / stills about it on the Internet. :D

Astrology and the zodiac

2007-04-01T01:30:00.001+10:00

I've always been quite fascinated with reading about all the astrological signs and stuff. And no, I don't read my horoscope for the day and cower at home if it predicts something bad happening to me in the day. But I do like to read personality predictions according to your zodiac, be it Chinese or Western. Sometimes they're hilariously off-base, sometimes somewhat true.

Anyway, happened upon this very in-depth Wikipedia stub and decided to try and match up my birthtime to its terribly convoluted system.

First off, I am doubly bull-headed and proud of it. My mother always said so, because I am born in the year of the Ox and am a Taurus. So she always said I was as stubborn as a bull, and rock-headed to boot. Hahah. So, looking up my birthyear, I am an Ox, with a Yin (female) Wood element. Okay. Easy enough. Scrolling down. Some convoluted crap about the agricultural calender that goes right over my head... apparently my combination element is gold? Gosh, what is that.

The following are the twelve zodiac signs in order. The first symbol is simply the name of the animal written in Chinese, while the second symbol is the character specifically used in astrology to denote the animal sign.
鼠子 Rat
牛丑 Ox
虎寅 Tiger
兔卯 Rabbit
龍辰 Dragon
蛇巳 Snake
馬午 Horse
羊未 Sheep
猴申 Monkey
雞酉 Rooster
狗戌 Dog
豬亥 Pig

Legend describes the order of the zodiac was determined through a race, in which the rat cheated by standing on the ox's head and jumping ahead of him when they reached the finish line.

Naughty rat. History repeats itself. I always come in second, never first. Lesson of life? Cheat to win? Also reflects that I always shove off from shore in a great hurry, wanting, knowing I will get there first, to be dissapointed at the last moment. Am I competitive? Sometimes. Quite often maybe. Here's the full story:

The cat and the rat were the worst swimmers in the animal kingdom. Although bad swimmers, they were both intelligent. They decided that the best and fastest way to cross the river was to hop on the back of the ox. The ox, being a naïve and good-natured animal, agreed to carry them across. However, overcome with a fierce competitiveness, the rat decided that in order to win, it must do something and promptly pushed the cat into the river. Because of this, the cat has never forgiven the rat, and hates the water as well. After the ox had crossed the river, the rat jumped ahead and reached the shore first, and it claimed first place in the competition.
Following closely behind was the strong ox, and it was named the 2nd animal in the zodiac. After the ox, came the tiger, panting, while explaining to the Emperor just how difficult it was to cross the river with the heavy currents pushing it downstream all the time. But with powerful strength, it made it to shore and was named the 3rd animal in the cycle.
Suddenly, from a distance came a thumping sound, and the rabbit arrived. It explained how it crossed the river: by jumping from one stone to another in a nimble fashion. Halfway through, it almost lost the race but the rabbit was lucky enough to grab hold of a floating log that later washed him to shore. For that, it became the 4th animal in the zodiac cycle. Coming in 5th place was the dragon, flying and belching fire into the air. Of course, the Emperor was deeply curious as to why a strong and flying creature such as the dragon should fail to reach first. The mighty dragon explained that he had to stop and make rain to help all the people and creatures of the earth, and therefore he was held back a little. Then, on his way to the finish line, he saw a little helpless rabbit clinging on to a log so he did a good deed and gave a puff of breath to the poor creature so that it could land on the shore. The Emperor was very pleased with the actions of the dragon, and he was added into the zodiac cycle.
As soon as he had done so, a galloping sound was heard, and the horse appeared. Hidden on the horse's hoof is the snake, whose sudden appearance gave the horse a fright, thus making it fall back and gave the snake 6th spot while the horse took the 7th. Not long after that, a little distance away, the ram, monkey and rooster came to the shore. These three creatures helped each other to get to where they are. The rooster spotted a raft, and took the othertwo animals with it. Together, the ram and the monkey cleared the weeds, tugged and pulled and finally got the raft to the shore. Because of their combined efforts, the Emperor was very pleased and promptly named the ram as the 8th creature, the monkey as the 9th, and the rooster the 10th.
The 11th animal is the dog. His explanation for being late—althoughhe was supposed to be the best swimmer amongst the rest—was that he needed a good bath after a long spell, and the fresh water from the river was too big a temptation. For that, he almost didn't make it to finish line. Just as the Emperor was about to call it a day, an oink and squeal was heard from a little pig. The pig got hungry during the race, promptly stopped for a feast and then fell asleep. After the nap, the pig continued the race and was named the 12th and last animal of the zodiac cycle. The cat finished too late (thirteenth) to win any place in the calendar, and vowed to be the enemy of the rat forevermore.

Poor cat. If there was a cat in the zodiac, I'd be happy to be one. Purrrr..

The Yin or Yang is broken down into Five Elements (Metal, Wood, Water, Fire, and Earth) on top of the cycle of animals. These are modifiers and affect the characteristics of each of the 12 animal signs. Each element has features that apply to both years and the animals. Each of the 12 animals are governed by an element plus a Yin Yang Direction. They are divided into four groups.
The balance of yin and yang and the five elements in a person's make-up has a major bearing on what is beneficial and effective for them in terms of feng shui, the Chinese form of geomancy. This is because each element is linked to a particular direction and season, and their different kinds of qì or life force.
[edit] 金 Metal
The West
Autumn
The Planet Venus
The Color White
Respiratory system & Lungs
Determined, Self-reliant
Unyielding, Strong
Persistent, Forceful
Emocation, pleasure
Reserved, Needs Personal Space
'Governs' Monkey, Rooster, Dog
[edit] 木 Wood
The East
Spring
The Planet Jupiter
The Color Green
Liver and gallbladder
Generous, Warm
Persuasive, Co-operative
Seeks to Expand and Grow
Idealistic, Ethical
Enthusiastic, Seeks to Explore
'Governs' Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon
[edit] 水 Water
The North
Winter
The Planet Mercury
The Color Blue
Skeletal/Excretory System & Lungs
Diplomatic, Charming
Intuitive, Compassionate
Communication, Intellectual
Sensitivity, Creative
Flexible, Compliant
'Governs' Pig, Rat, Ox
[edit] 火 Fire
The South
Summer
The Planet Mars
The Color Red
Circulatory system & Heart
Dynamic, Energetic
Passion, Enterprise
Adventurous, Restless
Competitive, Leadership Skills
Strong, Single-minded
'Governs' Snake, Horse, Goat
[edit] 土 Earth
Center
Three Enclosures, Change of seasons
The Planet Saturn
The Color Yellow
Digestive system, Spleen and stomach
Patient, Prudent
Stable, Reliable
Hard-working, Ambitious
Disciplined, Logical
Service and Duty to Others
'Governs' Dragon, Dog, Rat, and Ox. It is the central balance of the elements and can lend qualities to all 12 animals as well.

Hmm... so do I reckon myself under the Wood element of my birth, or the Water and Earth element that 'governs' the Ox, my birth animal? Kinda think it might be worth paying one of those experts to analyse this for me, once in my life. It would be interesting.

In Chinese astrology each individual personality is associated with an animal sign that represents it. It is a common misconception that there are only the singular animals assigned by year. Many western descriptions of Chinese astrology descriptions draw solely this system. In fact, there are also animal signs assigned by month and hours of the day.
The animal signs assigned by year represent what others perceive you as being or how you present yourself. The full 60 year cycle is a combination of the 12 animals with each of five possible elements, which distinctively vary the base animal's personality (12 x 5 = 60). The inner animal is assigned by the month of birth. This dictates your love life and inner persona and is critical to a proper understanding of your compatibility with other signs. It may be considered what the individual wishes to become, or believes to be their true self. The secret animal is assigned by the hour of birth and so it is important to know the exact time of birth to determine it correctly. It is your own true sign which your personality is based on. It is important to compensate for daylight saving time or any clock adjustment performed by your country in determining this sign, as it is mapped according to the sun's location and not the local time.
To sum it up, while a person might appear to be a dragon they might actually be a snake internally and an ox secretively. Combined with the five elements, this makes for 8,640 possible combinations (five elements, 12 animals, 12 months, 12 times of day) that a person might be. These are all are critical for the proper use of Chinese astrology. Many Western displays of the Chinese zodiac omit these, as well as the elements, for easier consumption and understanding.

Oh-kay... let me see. My inner animal (dictates my love life(!) and inner persona, critical to properly understanding compatibility with other signs) is... the 3rd Ordinal, Dragon. My secret animal (dictating my personality) is the Snake. Hmm.. why are all these serpentine animals? I'm proud of being a reliable, hard-working, practical, down-to-earth Ox!

The Second Trine (my outward presentation and secret personality)
The second trine consists of the Ox, Snake, and Rooster. These three soul mates conquer life through endurance, application, and slow accumulation of energy. Although each sign is fixed and rigid in opinions and views, they are genius in the art of meticulous planning. They are hardworking, discreet, modest, industrious, charitable, loyal, punctual, philosophical, patient, and good-hearted individuals with high moral standards. They can also be self-righteous, greedy, critical, judgemental, narrow-minded, petty, and pessimistic.

The First Trine (my inner persona, relative to love-life and compatibility)

The first trine consists of the Rat, Dragon, and Monkey. These three signs are intense and powerful individuals, capable of great good or great evil. They make great leaders, but the three have different approaches. Rats and Dragons have a tendency to be quite dictatorial and autocratic, whilst monkeys are more diplomatic. Frustrated when hampered, these signs are ruled by highly potent energy and unpredictability. They are intelligent, magnanimous, charismatic, charming, authoritative, confident, eloquent and artistic. They can also be tyrannical, bombastic, prejudiced, deceitful, imperious, ruthless, power-hungry, and megalomaniacal.

Pretty accurate description of my personality, yes. Oh... this are my two sisters, so accurate: The third trine consists of the Tiger, Horse, and Dog. These three signs seek one another, and are like-minded in their pursuit of humanitarian causes. Each is a gifted orator and excels at verbal communication... Idealistic and impulsive... these three signs wilt without large amounts of physical affection and loyal support for causes.

Portia De Rossi & Ellen Degeneres

2007-03-30T01:36:00.001+10:00

I watched a bit of Ellen Degeneres today. Woo. All I could do throughout the show (I'm not sure if she's that interesting a talk show host, I don't watch many) was picture her and Portia De Rossi together. I so think they make a golden couple. Old news I know, but I didn't know. Before I got Foxtel, I'd never heard of Ellen, who is really smart-looking in her own little... tomboyish way. Portia... the way she was on Ally McBeal, golden rosy curls spilling down her back like coins. She's like a porcelain doll.

Don't they look marvellous together? I kept having naughty little word pictures about them in my mind. Golden curls spilling over her hands, clear blue eyes under heavy lids, head pillowed on her arm. Brrr.

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An 80s baby

2007-03-29T22:58:00.000+10:00

It's true, I thought I was the only one feeling nostalgic and a little lost in life today. I went to a focus group once, and we all agreed (we were around the same age), that the Baby Boomers generation of our parents knew how to enjoy life more. We all felt that our generation was more cynical and depressed. We are so young, just in our twenties and already we are jaded and world-weary.

I find lately I have been thinking a lot of the past, and old friends in Malaysia. Making more effort to keep in touch, to reignite a connection to the past. Things were simple back then, easy, even with the trials and tribulations everyone has during high school. I don't wish to return to the past, but I do wish to carry bits of it forward with me onto the path that leads to my future. I don't want to forget both the good and the bad (ok, well maybe little bits of it), and although I don't want to keep in touch with EVERYONE, I do like to know what they are up to, even if I don't want to talk to them anymore.

There is an era of my life that is passing. When I graduate this year, it is the end of an era in my life. I am moving into the the time that seems to stretch infinitely far and repetitively into the future. Climing up the corporate ladder. Setting the right foot on my career path. It could be fun, it could be boring. But I shall be, in a way, doing the same for the rest of my life. It is the beginning of forever.

It is time for work, family life, the cycle of work, come home, cook, eat, sleep... the trickle of new people into life lessens somewhat, each person you meet will begin to be more caught up with his / her own personal life, unlike the friends you have met and loved in primary, high school, and uni. People start to get married. Friends you love move away. Others start up their own households, and distance grows a little.

I wonder if I have not made enough of my uni life whilst it lasts. Not explored all the opportunites, not partied enough, not socialised more... maybe? Hindsight is always 20-20, so they say. I can't say whether I'm excited or sad to be embarking on my future. But nostalgia is close to me and this brink of life. So enjoy the little forward I received below, maybe it will strike you as it did me, with its simplicity and the vividness of memories...

Signs to show that you are an 80-s baby (in Malaysia):

We grew up watching Transformers, Thundercats, Woody Woodpecker, Chipmunks, Mickey Mouse, Jem, Mask, Ninja Turtles, Voltron, Baja Hitam, Ultraman and don't forget the POWER RANGERS and BUGS BUNNY!!!

Had to brush our teeths during recess at primary school? We had to hold plastic cups, line up with our classmates side by side and start brushing our teeth at some open area... or maybe near some drain?? Do you still remember that we had 'dentist rooms' where we had to have our
teeth checked?

Not to forget our 'program minum susu' in primary school.. everybody is supposed to buy like cartons of milk that cost 30 cents... and you would see everyone drinking it everyday... its the UHT milk...

Teachers who wanted to punish us must use yellow rulers to hit us on our palms?? 1 metre length...

That a bowl of mihun soup or some soup only costed 50 cents at the school canteen...

We would go to some sundry shop near the school or to the 'roti' man waiting outside our schools so that we can buy junk food like chickedees, mamee, ding dang with some toys in it, 'Ti Kam', ice-cream and we would play games like monopoly, uno, old maid, and all other card games like
that...

Another fun time would be during Pendidikan Jasmani. The boys would play football while the girls would play netball... and it would be like we were playing in the world cup...

But of course the best would be main guli, batu seremban, bottlecaps, ice-cream sticks, 'Pepsi Cola one-two-three', Cops and Robbers, main kejar-kejar duduk, getah, Zero-point... and for the not so active, those kind of 'book games' where we would use buku latihan to draw and ask our friends to play...

Do you remember the ice-cream tubes which are actually ice and colouring that are sold for 10 to 20 cents... the colourful ones... where you usually bite off the top to gulp it down. Grape tastes the best..

What about days when we felt like doing naughty things such as folding papers so small to make 'lastik' and shooting them at each other... how about throwing chalk, ice wars in the canteen, swinging as high as you can and jumping off at the apex of the swing??

Back then, Michael Jackson was just turning white... and still had albums coming out... compared to CD's, we were listening to tapes that sold for RM9.90...

In computer class, we were still using black and white computer moniters... played 'Atari'... maybe SEGA or NINTENDO..

Well, are we all getting older or what?

1) If you understand what you have read and you are smiling...

2) We have friends from school that are already married...

3) We shake our heads everytime we see high school students fussing about their handphones in school...

4) We don't hang on phone with our friends for hours a day talking about nothing...

5) When we meet back with our friends from time to time, we feel excited and happy talking about old times, the funny 'adventures' or stories that we experienced as a kid..

6) Last but not least, that when you read this, you would think of all the happy & sad memories that you have experienced when you were still a kid and would think of forwarding this to your old friends that you have known since forever... I'm sure they would have a huge smile on their face after reading this...

Catwalk models

2007-03-25T01:22:00.000+11:00

I was just reading Ing Hui's post on, well, the Victoria's Secret fashion show.

Despite my addiction to shopping on their website (clothes, baby, not the underwear - though that rocks too) I never knew they had one. The clip was good enough to make me go out there and find a better quality one to watch! And yes, Justin Timberlake is hot. When he first changed his image, I was much distressed over the loss of his curly mop of hair (I like long hair on a guy)... but ooh, he just suits it somehow. His new album Futuresex / Lovesounds... is sex music. No other way to describe it. Hahah.

Well anyhow, watching it in better definition video, I noticed that the models really have attitude, a certain bounciness to their stride. You know, personality showing through, facial expression, exuberation, a real STRUT. I've flipped through Fashion TV on Foxtel quite often when I'm bored, and I was always wondering WHAT was "The Walk" they all talk about when the languid models there just float around the catwalk, expressionless, languid, gliding like a ghost. Is that attractive? I always thought. They essay down taking slow, long strides, hips barely moving in an even tempo of movement, like shadows of each other. Tall, thin, draped in sometimes ridiculous clothes. Seriously just like mannequins or clotheshorses. The models of Victoria Secret move in what I thought (from description in books) a catwalk model should be. All attitude, expression, playfulness, joy, spontaneity, and radiating character!

Okay, I have to admit that my perception of what a catwalk model is has been shaped by this (I think) romance novel of my sister's I picked up when younger. I think it was called Spring Collection, by Judith Kranz. But anyway, aren't the VS type of model so much more appealing than those wraiths on Fashion TV?

And a little more on that...

2007-02-06T11:45:00.001+11:00

Wen says:
coz now i working on adolescent health issue... i reckon u r facing surrounding disorder feeling

I am me says:
and what is that?

Wen says:
is kind of trend now a days... depressing coz no 1 can talk to them, not enough love from close 1 (I HOPE NOT). Eating issues and weight issues... recommendation for this is to do some personal training like yoga, running... make ur self feel tired and refreshed...
http://www.abc.net.au/health/depression/cause.htm
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0675/is_n3_v14/ai_18306528

I am me says:
thanks. will be looking at those. sorry to keep you from your work lah, go back to work. i feel guilty... :(

Wen says:
dont feel guilty... feeling guilty also will lead u to depression...
i love u baby. is fine baby no guity plsssss

I am me says:
*hugs*
you're the best.

I bet you guys out there are wondering how I could be depressed with such a great boyfriend. I guess I just don't see enough of him. And perhaps not enough love from clsoe ones is true, because I don't have ENOUGH close ones. I crave affection I think sometimes, I love to be loved by everyone.

And it's breaking me down
Watching the world spin round
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down
No more friend around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself...

There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way...

Can you help me find my way?

The stupidity of me

2007-02-06T11:08:00.001+11:00

I feel so strange recently...

I started a new job as a medical receptionist. It was quite fun at first, a real change from my extremely boring previous admin job with no interaction with people whatsoever. That one made me depressed. I was the only one in the office all day, scanning documents or some other equally stupid monotonous task.

So when I got this job I was really happy, I added a lot of new skills to my resume. Usually medical receptionist jobs advertised all require previous experience and familiarity with the medical terms and all that, you know? Two weeks into the job the manager went on leave and I had to cover her shifts. I was there from 8-6 everyday and I work another job at night. OMFG, that week was torture. I got home everyday at 10 and fell into bed. I hardly saw my boyfriend, didn't get to eat dinner together. I was sick of it.

And that started me thinking, is the rest of my life going to be like this? Turn into a machine, wake up, go to work, have lunch, work somemore, come home, sleep. And start the whole cycle again in the morning. The monotony, the tedium. It was such a depressing thought. The only time you have is the weekends, when you have to clean the house, do the gardening, just more monotonous chores. I can't picture myself working this job everyday for the rest of my life.

Someone said to me, "People tend to get depressed when doing things that somehow seem to last forever....and with nothing new happening from time to time. and with no social activities. yours is like the bare minimum."

That just struck a chord somehow. I am doing something that seems to stretch into eternity. Monotony. Endless repetition. I see my life stretching on ahead of me and there is nothing new, no excitement. This is so depressing. Just getting up this morning, as I am working afternoon shifts again, was so depressing. Wen woke up, kissed me, left for work. I couldn't sleep anymore after another half hour. And I'm just wandering the room, listening to the ring of emptiness. And then I couldn't stand it anymore and switched on some songs. Damien Leith just made me feel like crying! I switched over to Justin Timberlake but still the tears keep rolling down my face as I am typing this.

I see such uncertainty in my future as well. What do I like to do? I don't know. What kind of job will I be able to find fulfilling? I asked Wen, and he says that he loves his job, and he enjoys it more than uni. I didn't like uni that much, but now I'm ust craving to return to it. I don't know how I'll feel once it has started for real though. I don't know what kind of job I can get. I'm not a technical person, I suck at programming and those logical trains of thought. But I haven't seen any IS jobs advertised at all, it's alway lumped together with IT, and they always want C programmers or whatever skills I don't have. Thinking seriously about making Database my specialty, at least I will have a guaranteed niche in the job market with that, I hope.

I think Cindy was right. I am a whole lot more attached to Wen this year. I miss him. Well, it may be because we're the only ones left here over summer. But I really do think that I've worked off all my experimental nonsense, sowed most of my wild seeds. Still, I think during semester although I did miss him, miss his hours when he was at uni, when we could spend lots of time together. Sometimes meet up for a meal in uni, or see each other in the building, I was happy. Didn't do it much when he was able to, somehow. Now that he has no time except his weekends, and less at night now too, as he's studying for a professional exam. I feel so alone. My housemates aren't here now. The house is empty except for him and me. I flip the Foxtel channels and there is still nothing to watch, or watching pales into the feeling of loneliness.

I think the thing I am most afriad of in the world is loneliness. That's why I grasp on to the few friends I have with both hands, grip tight... maybe I am suffocating? I don't know how I managed the first year of uni being so antisocial and hiding alone at home all the time. I don't know how I used to live with only one housemate who wasn't home all the time. I wish we could pack 5 or 6 people into this house, so I'd have company all the time.

And not knowing what I can do in the future doesn't help either. And why do I feel like crying so much these few days? I could blame it on PMS, but it's finished now. And I still feel like that today.

Is it moving to the suburbs when all students live in the city made me feel isolated and disconnected? I doubt people who don't drive will pop in on us now we're further away. And the two people who drive, Leane and Cindy have now gone home to Malaysia, for good. My beloved Sushi and Queen are in Malaysia as well. Do i even have any friends left who are here with me? Not to mention I am out of money to call them...

Is growing to adulthood really such a drag? Who says uni life is the golden years? The overrate it and underrate college and high school. Those were the golden years of my life, drama nonwithstanding.

Technorati Tags: loneliness, disconnection, growing older, depression
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The new Blogger

2007-01-03T01:51:00.000+11:00

It's been a long time hasn't it?

Even the whole Blogger page has changed. Google is a smart cookie. Everything they own comes under the Google magic touch and you have to magically transform everything to be tied to your gmail account. Talk about upping the switching costs to other services. And of course, the coveted Gmail account, though it is much less sought after now that it has become more widely available. Smart marketing that one. Everyone wanted to have a piece of it because it was hard to get.

That's Beanie Babies marketing for you.

Me thinks that its time this blog had an overhaul and a new personality as well to welcome in the new year. Perhaps a more frequent posting schedule (New Year's resolution?), a new look, and cleaning up the sidebars. New content. Out with the old, in with the new!

Three cheers for Betty! Whoops.
Those promos for the Ugly Betty series are catching.

Selamat Hari Merdeka

2006-08-30T19:43:00.000+10:00

Something to think about as you celebrate Merdeka Day...

“Product of the System” has written up two these real-life tragedies encountered as a government doctor on the occasion of the 49th National Day, followed by reflections. It should be compulsory reading for all politicians, national, state and local – in fact for all Malaysians as well – on the cavernous divide between the fortunate and the wretched in the country:

For Khairy:

A 46-year-old Dewan Bandaraya worker was admitted for progressive, generalized weakness associated with a severe inflammatory rash. Unable even to swallow saliva, nasogastric feeding was started on complete nutrition formula milk. As investigations were carried out to clinch a diagnosis, she developed severe hospital-acquired pneumonia which scarred her lungs extensively.
Due to a severe shortage of beds, the patient was discharged prematurely although she was still bedridden and unable to swallow. Her husband was told that he would have to buy the milk for nasogastric feeding on their own, estimated to cost RM 60 per tin, which should last about a week.

A low-ranked clerk in the civil service, he pleaded for goodwill to prevail, that the milk be provided free as they were already unable to cope with the increasing cost of living. He was told however, that he would have to go through the social welfare, the application process of which would take some time. In the meantime however, they would have to go home empty handed.

Bed-ridden but without a wheel-chair, disfigured but not disprited, too weak to even enter their humble, rented shophouse home, she was sent packing without her only source of nutrition.

For Pak Lah:

A 39-year-old mother of six young children presents with severe pneumonia secondary to multiple sclerosis. Paralysed from the neck down, she had Grade III bed sores from prolonged immobilization. Her chests were hardly expanding due to diaphragmatic fatigue but she otherwise mentally alert and sharp.

The doctor-in-charge started antibiotics but immediately pronounced DNR– do not resuscitate. It simply means that intubation was not to be attempted should her condition deteriorate. One reason behind this rationale was due to the severe shortage of ventilators in the hospital.

The family was advised to purchase an oxygen machine as well as a special mattress to prevent further bed sores. At the mention of the amount, the patient’s husband, a lowly roadside hawker, reacted in shock as there was no way they could ever afford to pay.

Referral to social welfare was made, but due to “limited funds”, their appeal was rejected. One month and a half later, she lies there still in the ward – too sick to go home, and too poor to get better. Too tired to continue fighting an incurable illness and too weak to express herself in full, she mustered her remaining strength and begged to be euthanised which, in a sense, is exactly what we are doing – because of a supposed lack of funds in an oil-rich nation.

These reflections and sobering thoughts follow:

I can’t imagine what goes through the minds of faceless Malaysians when Abdullah Badawi declares prosperity and justice for Malaysians great and small every 31 August.
There are families too poor to take a bus ride from the hospital back to their kampong and politicians who throw tantrums in public because they were only offered “some useless cars” from the Customs Department.

Our special schools for special children are miserably pathetic yet the ruling feudal masters feel that a RM 490 million sports academy is of greater urgency.

Our teachers, lecturers, and healthcare workers are overworked, understaffed and underpaid but we somehow have RM 600 million annually to organize the great Malaysian summer camp a.k.a National Service.

Even as the monkeys in UMNO bersilat, brandish their keris and sound the battle cry annually, snatch thieves wield their daggers and rob the lives of innocent Malaysians on a daily basis.

We have UMNO Youth parading on the streets proclaiming support for Hamas and Hizbollah, but no one to champion the plight of the pak cik debilitated from stroke and cancer.

The cops arrest couples for holding hands in public and crackdown on sincere, dissenting voices but “close one eye” when BN warlords contemptuously ignore their traffic summonses and fan racial and religious sentiments in mainstream media.

The BN government spends millions to “re-train” unemployed university graduates after spending years brainwashing them with the nebulous UMNO agenda and thereafter expects them to perform in the real world.

We have laws criminalizing hardworking family physicians while un-taxable illegal immigrants live off the fat of the land without fear of being apprehended and deported.

Our local citizens wait for months for an ultrasound scan while Project M citizens have no qualms paying for a RM 20,000 angiogram.

The stupidity and ignorance of the current UMNOUMNO chief’s vain attempt to “re-brand” daredevil Mat Rempits, even as hundreds of them are bed-ridden in our hospitals with vertebral fractures and amputated limbs, and countless more putrefying quietly in the graves of the soil of Malaysia. leadership is best exemplified none other by the Putera

The dearth of sound leadership has never been more conspicuous as now. “Di mana tiada helang, kata belalang akulah helang”.

As Malaysians of all colors and creed daily face the threat of choking haze, violent crime, drug abuse, HIV, diabetes and a disproportional rise in living costs, it seems that the only issue that UMNO is concerned with is a non-existent Sino threat to its obsession with Ketuanan Melayu.

As I sit here wishing to do and earn more as a government doctor, something tells me that a young man my age is wishing to have more than a RM 9.1 million and to be more than the Prime Minister’s son-in-law. Somewhere else, however, I am reminded of a lady yearning to sweep the filthy streets of Kuala Lumpur like she used to and another who be eternally grateful just to breathe on her own, even if the air is hazy.

Selamat Hari Kebangsaan ke-49, saudara Pak Lah dan Khairy.
by Lim Kit Siang.

Out of the mud-puddle

2006-05-11T20:34:00.000+10:00

After a good dinner (hotpot!) and coming out of my batcave room, I'm almost feeling human again. Which now begs the question...

Why am I running after you again?

Rain on Me

2006-05-11T15:04:00.000+10:00

This is sad. I am reduced to teenage angsty wallow in misery-type actions. All those times I laughed at Darien for being pei and listening to the saddest song playlist ever... it strikes me that I've compiled one to rival his.

Watch the early morning sun
drip like blood from the day
See the busy people run
so many games to play
See the blue suburban dream
under the jet plane sky
Sleep away and dream a dream
Life is just a lullaby~

30 minutes to whisper your name
30 minutes to shoulder the blame
30 minutes listen to your lies
30 minutes to finally decide

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts.
Don't speak!
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons.
Don't tell me cause it hurts.

You kiss a lover and its like pain...

Mourning Period

2006-05-11T04:40:00.000+10:00

You said you'd always be there for me, still have time for me even now at the time in your life when you have someone other than me. I'm sure you knew all along how I felt about you. After all, I confessed it all, not realising that you had already begun on the path that would lead to you two becoming romantically involved. And you asked me that night, "Would you be jealous if we got together?"

And today when I try to talk to you, you fend me off with a smile and more questions about the girl I got entangled with, Stella.

Ciel says:
So what's up?
Lisse says:
No lah, I was free, saw you come online. Figured we could talk? =)
Ciel says:
Chiu, I thought you had something interesting to tell me.
Lisse says:
I'm sorry. No enthralling, life-changing experiences to regale you with.
Ciel says:
What, wasn't Stella life-changing?
Lisse says:
... I meant other than that.

That's all you talked to me about last night. "You're the first bi friend I've ever had". That's what you tell me. And the hours-long conversation was all about that. Such excitement. The first conversation we've had since my birthday. The day you told me the news and I thought you were joking.

"So is that your birthday present to me?" I asked, after I realised it was a truth you spoke. The first I told and the last to know. That's what you said to me. After I realised it wasn't another joke at my expense. And you actually asked, Is that enough?

Of course you being you, Ciel, and me being me, I try to feel happy for you. The thrill of a new relationship in bloom... enthralling. But don't laugh at me. I know you see through me. I see through you. When I ask for a little aid tonight, you fend me off with another smile. "It doesn't matter, I guess I'll ask Darien in the morning", I say. Although it is urgent, and I do need help.

Ciel says:
No
Ciel says:
No, don't be that way
Ciel says:
I still have hehehe
Ciel says:
*LOL*
Ciel says:
I still have time for you!
Lisse says:
Nvm. Continue with your assignments-lah.

But I know its not the assignments he is tending tonight. It is her. At his place. His housemate told me. I'm sure she's nice. I'm sure I don't know her well. But don't taunt me Ciel. Don't laugh at me and tell her what a fool I've made of myself over you. His reply to me was a play of words on the conversation we had about her just before they got together. It is dripping with double meaning, dripping with barbs...

I cannot breathe..
Until you're resting here with me.

O woe, sundered thou’rt from i

2006-05-10T22:25:00.000+10:00

Okay. Angsty angsty, angst. Cliché’s abound I’m sure. But I’m both pissed and feeling strangely sorrowed.

O woe says:
Can I throw a temper tantrum for no earthly reason? I’m feeling very destructive.

Darien says:
Sure. After all I’m in Singapore, I’m not in your path of destruction. *L*
What’s up?

O woe says:
1. A girl seduced me last Saturday.
2. My best guy friend got hitched.
3. His gf is this girl I don’t really like.
4. She seems slightly bimbotic but is CUN. Even Wen said some ham sap thing about her.
5. She's high-school friends with one of my fav gfs, and when she's around the KL group tends to leave me out and revert to their high school gang.
6. I don't know how to deal with my guy friends getting hitched..
7. They tell each other stuff (naturally) so that means I have to specify what I don't want some random chick to know.
8. I am jealous.
9. I am jealous.
10. I am jealous.
11. I'm talking some private stuff on msn and then I realise she's reading it because she's there.
12. Ciel is now super busy.
13. We used to flirt harmlessly a lot. I have no idea how to act around him now.
14. The whole dynamic has changed.
15. This tirade is illogical.
16. This tirade is unjustified.
17. I am mad.
18. I am mad.
19. I am mad.
20. And it makes me even madder that this makes no sense, is unjustified, and is illogical, and I should be happy for him. Ta-da.

Darien says:
u may think it’s illogical but it’s very very very understandable because now that he has a gf u kinda lose ur stature in his life and most of all u'll get less attention from him. I know its pretty damn frustrating feeling the way u do and not actually able to fix it. it practically feels like ur in stasis with all the jealousy and frustration him being with another girl is something u have to get use to.... in the mean time I do suggest tat u go for a run or something to spend the extra energy
or shopping... tat actually worked for me lol

O woe says:
*is stunned*
Dr. Darien... where have you been hiding your therapeutic skills?

Darien says:
???
u never approached me b4
and anyway it’s kind of the same btw me and suvs

O woe says:
What's that they call Frasier... the luuuurve doctor. lol.

Darien says:
she feels the same when I'm close to another girl
am no luuuurve doctor cuz of the lack of it
rofl

O woe says:
Ah... *light bulb flashes*
Actually Ciel's been in r/ships before, but I suppose I always felt he was playing around lah, he's a flirt. So this is serious, and it’s in Melbourne not back in KL
so .... tiaooooooooo........nananananna

Darien says:
well if I guess u're only feeling this way cuz there really is a huge change that cant be unacknowledged

O woe says:
*throws temper tantrum*
*smashes plates*
*pinches some random kid black and blue*
*kicks a cow*

Darien says:
I really think u should go run or scream or something
wouldn’t want u to hurt Wen in the middle of the night
lol

O woe says:
Hahaha, nono, he was sleeping very peacefully last night whilst I was having a silent stiff.
*sigh*
I have to cook
: (

Darien says:
go punch the pillow

O woe says:
*L* Your advice rockz lah, and its kinda funny

Darien says:
??? punching pillow?
or go find a pretext to scream at someone

O woe says:
after the cotton explode then how?

Darien says:
then apologize after and gain sympathy by lying that u had a huge fight with Wen
ROFL

O woe says:
wahahahaha
you evil evil
smart

Darien says:
aiyoh go Safeway buy cheap cheap 5 dollar pillow

O woe says:
illogical person

Darien says:
:)

Friendster-stalking again

2006-04-06T21:21:00.001+10:00

Currently reading : Corporate Info Strategy & Mgmt :(
Recently watched : Yami no Matsuei (Hot HOT Bishi!!)
Listening to : GO!!! Fighting Dreamers - Naruto OST
Wants to be : A very clichéd one here: loved by many
Should be : Finishing a tut submission for tomorrow
Feeling : Sleepy and Sloe-Eyed - The Dry Air

I've lost my big source of amusement since Leona moved her blog. It's gone. Monochrome Madness is no longer updated. I only just realised because I haven't been on blogger for ages. Third year is crazy. The assignments are never-ending. I have a submission due practically everyday, or more than one. On the upside, I'm pretty interested in all the subjects I'm doing so far! Much better than thee first and second subjects I had no interest in and was forced to do anyway. And we get a lot more practical and down to earth... and THEORETICAL and CONCEPTUAL! My two favourite words associated with a subject. My least favourite is TECHNICAL. Hahaha.

Ah well, and I really should be finishing my tutorial submission today. Oh, did I mention I'm taking an elective in Creative Writing? Not bad! My first 30% piece scored a H2B. Maybe after the course if I haven't let too many people IRL (in real life: ie, people I know in real life) read it, I might post it up here. At the moment all flights of fancy documented on paper go towards the course, and hopefully a good overall mark!

Hmmm, well, straight after discovering I no longer had a Monochrome blog to stalk, I immediately... ~~took that as a divine sign and went back to doing my homework~~ went back to my original source of stalker-ism. Friendster. Apart from finding one of my friends got a waaaay cool haircut, both cyber and corporate (I want the name of her hairdresser and I want it now!), I came across two people I knew vaguely in Trinity. Sha and Niz. You know, sometimes its really confusing when you read people's testimonials and they're getting what seems to be proclamations of love left, right, and centre? That also brought up a vaguely nostalgic feeling. I'd like to be one of those people so loved. Whether it is flirtatious comments or over-exuberant friends who love you in a "friend" way, and not "that" way. I suppose I've just been in one of those sporadic down moods when I realise I haven't made all that many friend in IS. Which is probably my fault because when the first years all arrived in a bunch and started clique-ing together, what was I doing? Skipping class and sleeping, and being all... I dunno, depressed? Stupid? *L* Probably a combination of the both. And lets not forget L-A-Z-Y. And not used to the whole not being spoon-fed information and being monitored like Trinity does although they claim they don't. Well now I know I don't do my best work when not pushed. Maybe I was just so used to it back home and everything. Now its out into the world and you haul yourself along because no one else cares!

Anyway, back to the topic, Sha and Niz. Status: Married. But being both 21, that's not probable. What I caught was an inkling of a deliciously scandalous notion. Were they both in a lesbian affair? Both being Muslim too to boot, which frowns against homosexuals. At least I believe they are Muslim. I'm not too sure actually. But I'm not sure. It could be like that guy who always calls Leona "my wife" when its pretty obvious she's butch AND lesbian to boot. Who befuddled me for a good long while as I was pondering whether she was bi. Hahah. I know, I have way too much time on my hands and I like to analyse and guess. That's why its called Friendster-stalking, and you'd be AMAZED (and scared) at the amount of information you can pump out of a Friendster profile. So, was there a whole "other" lesbian group apart from Leona and Co. that I never noticed was right under my nose at Trinity?

Now don't pounce on me just because I called a lesbian affair scandalous. I don't know why, it being so mainstream and interesting to me, but it always seems so shocking and scandalous, deliciously so when I uncover another lesbian affair between people I actually know, y'know? I don't know whether I'm making any sense! *laughs* I'm sleepy, and the dry dry air is making my eyes tired, and I have so much work to do, I'm all giddy. Well, I'm wondering. Are Sha and Niz just super close friends, or *gasp* in love? How sweet. Hahaha. They'd probably be horrified if they weren't, but it’s an interesting speculation, ay? Sha being so tomboyish and all too. And I love the new dreadlocks! So cool! Another one is how Sha's photos are almost all of her and Niz. Hehe. I love Friendster. So much distraction, and such wealth of information to be speculated on and analysed.

The Kelefeh in Me

2006-03-26T03:52:00.000+11:00

I’m a kelefeh. Pronounced Ca-leh-feh.

A kelefeh. A sidekick. A random passerby. The person you don’t remember meeting the very next day. A very unimportant person, basically. I’ve been one almost all my life. The outsider. The one that doesn’t quite belong, doesn’t quite fit in. The person who can adapt herself to other people to the point of taking on their characteristics, but has no personality. Either that, or such an unendearing personality that she can never quite fit in with a group – any group. I’m a sad sad person.

In the first class of Creative Writing, my tutor said something that struck me. You are a writer. You have been writing all your life. You have been observing, analysing. You are here becaue you need to write. You are here because you, even in the middle of a group or a heated discussion, part of you is always kept apart. Watching. The observer. It can be an enviable position, both inside and outside the group. The writer is always observing, and as such distances himself from the activities taking place.

I’m not too sure about it being an enviable position, but it always where I am. Yes, I know a lot of thigns that go on because I am always watching, but that also means I never do quite fit in after all, do I? But I’ve never heard a sentiment voiced aloud by another person that rang so true with me as that one. I am the watcher.

I think the only time I wasn’t a kelefeh was when I was a child too young for school. Apparently I was very cute. Adults would pinch my cheeks and give me freebies everywhere I went. I can’t remember how I felt at the time, whether I did feel left out or not. But I suppose if adults think I’m cute I can’t have been that much of a wallflower.

And yet I’m not a loner in the wallflower sense per se, unless its here in uni. I was the “xiao hua” of my secondary school. The school flower, the prettiest girl in school. But I still was a kelefeh, if that isn’t too much of a contradiction.

In primary school, for the first three years I had a best friend I loved fiercely. I stood up for her, I wouldn’t let anyone bully her. I fought back. I remember there was once I saw her across the field, getting ticked off by this huge girl in outside clothes. I barrelled across the whole field, cannonballed into the big girl and started hammering her with my fists. I only reached her waist.

My best friend was horrified however. “No, no! She’s my cousin-sister, my cousin-sister. Don’t hit her, she’s not bullying me.”

To this day I cringe at the thought. I can never forget. I bring out these embarassments from my closet and hang them there and despair and grow red over them. I hate being embarassed. I know in this world you have to get used to it, but it takes some doing on my part. And some of them just never go away.

But after the first three years, we grew apart, as she grew closer to someone else. I had five “close” friends, we banded together because we were the only Chinese in class, I suppose. But I never had a best friend again. They left me out sometimes. Forgot about me, others. I was floating around, I remember. And so-called best friends were people who stuck around out of necessity.

I was so happy to go to secondary school. A whole new start, I promised myself. New people. People who didn’t know me and I could start afresh. But I ran into problems immediately. I was English-educated, and they were all chinese-educated. The culture was very different. I acclimatised, like I always do. I picked up Mandarin. Started to watch the same movies, the same songs in a language I never previously understood. But there was still a difference. The difference that was the bane of my adolescence. They were close friends, at that time. But I was still the one they forgot to call to that school trip, or sometimes they just didn’t bother because my parents were known to be strict about my going out in the first place. But it hurt. Everytime they started talking about “Let’s go…” and I couldn’t go, or they had forgotten to invite me – it hurt.

At home, my parents forgot to fetch me from tuition classes, piano classes, school… They complained I was too quiet and no one ever knew if I was in the house or not. I was a kelefeh in my own home.

I think I find it hard to talk, to find common ground with a person. In Trinity, for a little while, the group I mixed with – everything was the same. But then I got two guy friends who were my best friends. We went everywhere together, and they called me along on all the group trips. For a time I wasn’t a kelefeh. I loved Trinity. It was the best year of my life even if no one else in Trinity knew I existed. But then one went to the US, and one back to Malaysia. That was the end.

In uni now, I’m still a kelefeh, a loose atom bouncing off other atoms trying desperately to make a connection, become a molecule. I claim Vine, Leane, and Cindy as my “best” friends. And the IS girl Yune. But I’m still a kelefeh to them. They go out without me all the time, I’m a once a month meet, if lucky. Or just the girl in class you know. I’m not part of their group. I’m a loose cannon.

And I was trying to explain this to Wen as we lay in bed tonight. He had started the topic, and I brought this up. He fell into a stupor halfway through my story. There wasn’t a peep or response to it. I said sharply: “I’m even a kelefeh here.”

There wasn’t a sound.

I’m even a kelefeh to my boyfriend.

How sad is that. You wouldn’t want to know me.

I’m just a kelefeh.

SBS Documentary: Piracy in the Straits (31.1.2006, 21:15)

2006-02-07T20:19:00.000+11:00

Aside:

Sorry for the lack of updates. I was holidaying back home in Malaysia during the summer, which kept me pretty busy. I have a bunch of archived posts I wrote there but didn't publish, so they'll be coming out slowly now. Dial-up connections in Malaysia suck, by the way.
................................................................................................................................................................................

Well, first of all I was much impressed by the linguistic abilities of the Caucasian reporter who was interviewing the Indonesian villagers about the pirates dwelling there. He had a real “Malay” accent, including emphasis put on the right syllables and the correct slightly sing-song tone. He probably sounded more native in his speech then I did. Until my father said that was Indonesian, not Malaysian. My mother also pointed out that they used the word “bisa” to mean “able to” which was Indonesian. I never realised. Either it’s because my Indonesian maids used it and I understood it and absorbed it without thinking, or the word “bisa” is still used as slang in Malaysia. What struck me first was that their Indonesian really sounded like Malay. I could understand every single word they spoke without making an effort, whereas Indonesian friends I made in Melbourne really speak quite differently, enough that I can only comprehend about 60% of their conversation.

On quite different note, while watching this documentary on Piracy in the Straits that linked it with possible terrorist efforts, one thing struck me immediately as I think it has many times before while watching news reports on possible terrorist targets. They amount of information they’re giving out, pinpointing areas of weaknesses and mapping out areas… doesn’t it first, aid the terrorist effort, or second, give them ideas? This sentiment was echoed minutes later by a Malaysian researcher in the documentary who presented it much better than I could. What he said was that they were creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. By constantly repeating that Singapore is a weakness, a strategic target for terrorist attacks for numerous reasons such as it being one of the most important shipping routes in the world, this will give them ideas. Like “yeah, that does make sense! Lets attack Singapore” kind of ideas. He also pointed out something that I thought was a good point. Terrorist groups they identified like Al Qaeda and the Jamallaiyah (did I spell that right) groups all have large financial capabilities. They are perfectly capable of hiring and training their own loyal, reliable um… terrorists, willing to die for their cause. This would make more sense than hiring pirates, criminals who only work for themselves, and for money. Why would those criminals die for your cause?

I feel only a sense of déjà vu. Remember in our old History lessons in secondary school back in Malaysia we’d learn about the battle between both local and foreign forces to master the Straits of Malacca? What did they say… it was an important shipping route. Spices, silks, and other valuable items were routed through here. This was echoed by the reporter when he said that the Malacca Straits offered the shortest and therefore cheapest shipping route, which made people willing to continue using it even with the dangers involved like the 400++ cases of pirate attacks in the past year alone. Perhaps those losses were also covered by the insurance premiums they took. A bomb set off in the area would destroy Singapore, tipping the fragile economy of South East Asia by taking out an important and possible the most successful player at the moment, besides cutting off access to one of the most important shipping routes. This would cause a panic, and possibly rising petrol prices, which very obviously would have bad repercussions we’d be recovering from for ages and ages.

Reportedly, the US initially wanted to strong-arm their way in and said that the only way to protect Singapore from this threat was to send in their navy to protect the waters. This was met with a wave of dissent from Singapore’s neighbours, mainly my country Malaysia, and Indonesia. They accused the US of taking this as an opportunity to take control of the strategic shipping route. Yet again. Isn’t this echoing history? The forces fighting to take control of the Malaccan Straits. Foreign manipulation under the guise of aid. An excuse, the reporter suggested, to establish a military presence in South East Asia. The rising economic forces. China allegedly refused any interference that might upset the delicate balance of something or other. Is this why China is a rising economic force? It is very self-sufficient, not depending on foreign allies like Singapore does. This reminds me a bit of that article I read about the “white-worshipping” in Japan.

There was a phrase mentioned in the report “… Singapore, the privileged ally of the US”. Are they really privileged to be allies? It sounds to me like that relationship is one of the reasons why Singapore is now a target. I do not like this idea the US has that it must have a finger in every pie. It isn’t the “King of the World” that it can interfere in other countries. Why is a country “privileged” merely by having allying itself with the US? Pretentious (While typing this I had to reset my default Word language to English (U.K.) but it keeps reverting to English (U.S.). The irony. Damn American Microsoft). But neither do I like that a country can become a target merely for choosing to ally itself with the US either. That is utterly fundamentalist.

Other reasons as reported were that it is one of the most advanced countries in South East Asia, its “unsavoury” allies with Caucasian countries, and that it is a tiny Chinese country surrounded by Muslim countries on all sides, Malaysia, Indonesia (largest Muslim country in the world), the Philippines… this made it sound bleak indeed, coming on the heels of the discussion my family and aunt were having on Malaysia becoming more and more fundamentalist than ever.

They were reminiscing that in their days there was a lot more integration in between the races and the Malays were not so extreme in their practices. If you wanted to be super-religious you could be, but they didn’t interfere with those who made different choices. There was no such thing like imposing your beliefs on others demonstrated by PAS’s occupation of Kelantan and Terengganu where they purportedly wanted to enforce the wearing of the tudung on all women, including the non-Malays, where the genders were segregated to the extent of men and women having different entrances, floors, and checkout counters on opposite ends of the building in shopping centers. Demonstrated by the ridiculous fine given to the Chinese couple “caught” holding hands in KLCC centre. Where in my hometown many Muslims on visiting our houses refuse to touch our cutlery or drink from our cups because we are “tainted” as they call us who eat pork. Even if we serve them a meal bought from outside, it must come in the original wrapping with plastic utensils, or they eat with their hands because they will not touch our plates. My aunt mentioned something about the fundamentalist Islam of Saudi Arabia trying to impose itself on the gentler Islam practiced in South East Asia. And contributing to this is that the government sends stellar students to overseas universities, in the past years, many of them in Arab countries where they learn this fundamentalist Islam and carry it back to Malaysia where it spreads insidiously, digging deep its roots.

And listening to these theories, I am afraid. I worry that one day Malaysia will become like Saudi Arabia is, where women are lesser creatures than men, where they impose their beliefs on others like me, in what was once a multicultural country of some arguable harmony.

What colour are you?

2006-01-02T02:36:00.000+11:00

Lisse, your true color is Brown!

You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

Mwahahaha... I love this sentence "reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy". So much the sentiments of the gentle aristocrat in Ye Olde England of the 17th century - era of Louis that Lestat loved so much.

My country of origin...

2005-12-03T23:01:00.000+11:00

Currently reading : The Sensualist
Recently watched : Wimbledon

Everytime I stumble across stories like this, this, and thi s... it makes me worried. It makes me scared. It makes me scared to contemplate returning to my home country to live after the finish of my degree. How can I when I don't feel safe? When I am not protected as a citizen? All I can think about when I read these stories is how I must study harder, get better grades, succeed in my application for a PR and remain here forever.

I am well aware that Australia isn't a perfect country, there is no perfect country. There are many little things that irritate me here as well, and racism is everywhere without exception. I can admit I'm not squeaky white myself in this area, but I do make an effort to remain respectful of all cultures. I'm not claiming I don't make generalisations, but I do try not to. But in Australia I can at least go out at night without a veritable bodyguard escort. I can still go most places without a car. Although there are incidences of police bribery and brutality, it is not as widespread and ingrained.

One of the 'justifications' for the scandal over the recent complaints by 5 Chinese nationals that claimed they were humiliated and sexually harassed by police was that "There also were reports that authorities are profiling Chinese women, especially those aged below 35, as being involved in vice." As I recall, Chinese constitute almost a quarter of the gross population in my country. So because some Chinese nationals enter the country to work as vice workers, all the Chinese women in the country are at risk of going through the same treatment? Are we all to be lumped under vice workers now? See this for a very balanced argument that lays it out better than I can. Does this contribute to all the weird searches you get on Friendster like "menindih tubuhnya" or "diramas". I actually followed a link once to see once and for all WHAT these searches were for and found gross amounts of Malay sexual fiction, usually involving an easy Chinese lay. I remember getting stopped by a policeman near the border once with my parents and my sister in the car. The policeman proceeded to drill us about where we were headed, where we were from, and demanded to see our ICs. He refused to believe my mother was local. He said she looked foreign because she had dyed curly hair. He hinted darkly to my father about how he might allow him to enjoy whatever he was doing with these 3 Chinese prostitutes if we gave him a little money, at which time my father, highly insulted, made a call to a high-ranked police official he happened to know.

Which brings me to another question. Almost anything can be done at home as long as you have the money. I know of people who have Tentera Diraja stickers on their car windshields who the traffic police dare not stop. I know of royals who get away with anything short of murder with no repercussions. So what happens to those without clout? What would have happened to us in that car if my father hadn't known a police official? What happens to those crushed by the people with money to burn?

My country will always be close to my heart. But perhaps not close enough to keep me there unless they change these very basic and important issues like corrupt government and police, public safety, transport, and health, and perhaps arresting those groups of boys who tail you around and wolf-whistle at you if you're even incrementally more attractive then a cow.

A purely fangirl post

2005-11-10T14:34:00.000+11:00

Currently reading : Love Is the Strongest Energy
Recently watched : Sensitive Pornograph
Listening to : E-Commerce iLecture
Should be : Studying, *L* as always..
Feeling : Maniacally amused

Alright. I should be studying, but I'm not, and I'm reading Naruto shounen-ai fiction. Straight up: This is going to be a fangirl rant about how funny and gorgeous Kakashi and Iruka sensei are as a couple. Ha ha. Proceed at your own risk. Note: Shounen-ai = boy-love/homosexuality.

I came across Fleeting Fancies a few days ago because I found Kakashi/Iruka fanart, which started me on a spree of viewing some truly gorgeous shounen-ai fanart, which led to Potter yaoi comics, and then to my old favourite: fanfiction. I used to be a true addict of Anne Rice vampire fanfiction and Wheel of Time, and I wrote quite a few myself. I've since gone through tons, Kyou Kara Maou, Loveless, Yami no Matsuei, Harry Potter, and a very good Lord of the Rings fanfic. It's easier to find a good site that has good reccommendations instead of attempting to filter through the sheer volume of bad fanwork out there, so I mostly browsed through the Naruto fanfiction that the Fleeting Fancies reccommended. They are very well-written indeed, and she reccommended this in particular as having well-written excerpts of Icha Icha Paradise. I personally didn't find it in the style of the anime itself though. It was well-written, but she mostly reccommends things that read in the manner of upper-class romances, very sweet and gentle and loving. My idea of Icha Icha Paradise wasn't the same as hers though, I always thought it would be some trashy 2-penny romance novel from Mills and Boons or something, and this fiction just captured my attention!

It is soooo good, I am reading it now and laughing maniacally with a fangrrl gleam in my eye every two sentences. It was so good I had to stop reading and write this entry on it because so many interesting thoughts were coursing through my mind. Here's a brief excerpt from the author's version of Icha Icha Paradise...

"The young and headstrong, perfectly shaped and actually very beautiful, except that her looks weren’t really the fashion at that time so she never thought of herself as pretty, heroine gasped.

She had thought she was done for, having been tied up in some slimy, really good looking to women because they didn’t see his face distorted by his cruelty, and rich evil man’s house.

The evil man had managed to see that she really was tremendously beautiful and had kidnapped her and was going to force her to marry him! The cad!

But in the nick of time, just as the evil man was about to force a priest to marry them, the door had burst open and there, in the doorway, as heroic music played, stood the valiant, gorgeous and terribly manly hero!

The hero tossed back his long dark hair and looked at her with piercing dark eyes. He punched the evil man unconscious and he slumped into an inconspicuous position. The priest had mysteriously vanished so that they could do immoral things to each other."

Yes, it is all parody, but ever so well done with the spirit of fun and craziness inherent in the Naruto anime. Always getting into trouble. Kakashi acting stupid and always being late. The mood is captured perfectly in the way that the pretty romanceful fictions I've read cannot produce. It reads well, but somehow I just couldn't apply it to the Kakashi of the anime. Read it, read it if there are any out there who have watched the anime and think Kakashi and Iruka are just wonderful together!! XD

Oh, I watched Sensitive Pornograph too. Crap. I think I'm getting addicted to this shounen-ai stuff. Oh well, I am addicted to a whole lot of material. I should start getting addicted to my textbooks. Exams on Monday!! When I have more time I suppose I shall return to writing well-written, meaningful posts on the reason for Universal Life or something. ;)

... before we spoke, we swore?

2005-11-09T13:05:00.000+11:00

A very interesting read

A Saving Grace

2005-11-05T22:22:00.000+11:00

Recently watched : Kyou Kara Maou 47
Listening to : The whirr of the fan
Wants to be : Cool... this isn't spring!?!?
Should be : I'm bored of this and you must be too
Feeling : I should probably quit this section

I took a shower early this morning having done another sleepless night. It was hot, had a cold shower, a bath actually. Scrubbed myself with the sinfully delicious smelling chocolate truffle shower gel, wrapped myself in my bathrobe and padded off to the bedroom to dress. He was lying in a puddle of blankets and pillows when I sat beside him and dried off. Feeling a bit cheeky, I snuggled the most chocolate-scented parts of my anatomy close to his nose and asked in a whisper, "Do you smell anything?" He's been known to talk in his sleep before and didn't dissapoint. "Mmm... chocolate." Lick. His tongue came out to lick at an imaginary ice cream a few times in between sniffs. Adorable. It's moments like these that are the saving grace of our relationship.

Pulchritude

2005-11-05T01:21:00.000+11:00

Aside:
I was reading Kenny Sia's entry on Hari Raya. The food looks so yummy. I am dying for some real Malay food. When oh when is Kayu going to open in Box Hill? It looks authentic at least. The pictures make me drool.
................................................................................................................................................................................

Currently reading : Random blogs
Recently watched : The sun rise and set
Listening to : The sounds of Warcraft
Wants to be : Shopping
Should be : Stuuudyyyinnngg
Feeling : Lopsided

Look, look, look...

"How do you put the past behind you when it recurs in your head?"
"If we held hands before, I'm tangled up in another person's legs now"

These are just two sentences that I love; examples of the random little gems that she produces all the time. Hahaha, if anyone actually followed this blog they would be quite sick of the temporary obsession over her. She really updates all the time, I love having fodder to read almost everytime I'm bored and I refresh her page.

That aside, I love my strings of pearls more and more all the time. I love their sheen, I love their smooth roundness and their understated gleam. Not at all like diamonds. They're too flashy. I was thinking about beauty today. How we all love beautiful things. That's what keeps the fashion industry going doesn't it? And cards, and models, and candles, and random little pretty stuff like that. It isn't beauty that is to blame for things like anorexia or unhappiness with your own body, it's the unnatural standards that people have set.

Beauty is not the stick-thin supermodel you see on TV, or the airbrushed actresses or singers. I love beauty. I confess that I wouldn't date anyone that is not beautiful. Personality is foremost to me, and I hold by that. But of course if your face makes me feel like wincing or throwing up, I'm sorry, but I'm not that good-hearted. I'm not an angel. And I love things of beauty. When I read books, I know some people write in the style that shocks you with its graphicness. Shock value. Making things sound crude or dirty. To make an impact. And it does have an impact and it is a valid writing style that gets its point across. But I don't think I could do that. I love pretty language. Words that sound graceful. Like how turgid and florid are clumsy, ugly looking words. And how Silhouette, ending with an e and the double t's and l make it look willowy and graceful in a manner I can't quite explain. Gisselle? A pretty French name also. Lots of L's usually do make the name pretty to look at. And it slips off the tongue smoothly, almost slippery. I would want to make everything sound lovely and beautiful regardless of its truth. I hope this won't become an issue if I take that Creative Writing course. As an aside, isn't pulchritude a surprisingly uncomely word for beauty?

And my standards of beauty aren't the random celebrities that cross the screen.

I'm sorry, I've lost my train of thought. Writing this entry on beauty suddenly came to a halt when I found myself faced with the ugly soles of Wen's feet that bounced into my field of vision. He's thrown his feet across the arm of the chair next to mine, and now I have feet two inches to the left of me. =.= And it's not as if they are nice smooth pearly little feet either. They are callused and have peeling skin and they are shaped clumsily. The toenails are blackened. Ew.

I must forge on. I... must... ignore... those... feet. Argh. I can't do it. I've just shoved them off the chair and he's turned an injured expression on me, and I've received looks from the two seated on the couch opposite. I can't help it! I don't like feet bobbling in my face.

... and my standards of beauty aren't the random celebrities that cross the screen. There are any number of imperfections I find beautiful. Plump people. I love the soft roundness of their arms, the curve of the belly. But I like smoothness. I love smooth skin or hands. I'm very sensitive to texture and I have been known to buy clothes because they are soft or silky even if they aren't very pretty. The texture is its beauty. Wouldn't you think so? It's just like these pearls. Soft and smooth and hard and softly shining, even in the dark. Luminescent. Diamonds are overrated. How can their hard sparkle compare to this soft sheen? Vine isn't pretty. She's plumpish, and her eyes are slitted small. Her face is round with baby fat and she has freckles across her nose. Her hair is messy and unstyled, but soft and smooth and wildly wavy. It's inky blackness and thickness invites hands to stroke through. Her softly rounded cheeks invite caresses and soft kisses. Perfection is unrealistic, but softened by language and description, there is a sort of perfection in everyone. Skin like ivory, hair like silk. All overplayed, cliched comparisions; but there is a small amount of truth in each. In certain lights the most imperfect of skins can appear like ivory, softened by the yellow light, smoothened by distance. Light can also make coarser hair shine with a pearls sheen. After all, don't pearls also appear smooth and silken to the touch? But rub them against each other, or against your teeth, and you will discover that they are actually grainy and rough below their coat.

Similarly beauty is skin deep, yet still infused throughout the person. Imperfections are beauty itself, diversity... for how can something be imperfect unless it is measured against some standard of perfection? When nothing is perfect, then beauty has no standard. Therefore beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if the beholder is not be infused by false expectations and standards...

Decadence

2005-11-03T09:29:00.000+11:00

Recently read : Loveless manga
Listening to : E-Commerce iLecture
Wants to be : A lady of leisure
Should be : The usual, studying, bla bla
Feeling : Decadent

The strings of pearls I bought arrived today. I have draped them across me. Two strands joined up to encircle my wrist. How beautiful their sheen against my skin; pure white and rose pink. Five loops they make around my wrist. The black I have closed around my ankle. Purple black and green they reflect, not pure black, but the irridescent multicolours of a mussel shell.

Chocolate scents my skin, after the bath, I feel silky smooth and clean. My hair billows in the wind as I sit here on my balcony. The park glows green across from me, shining in the newly risen sun. I wear a black satin robe, circled at the waist with a ribbon, open to the apex of my thighs as I sit, allowing one smooth bare thigh to be displayed. No one is yet awake, but the streets below already have life. I feel truly decadent. Sexy. Desirable. Chocolate scents envelope me. I feel like an old opera writer, typing out the script on an old black typewriter. I should be holding a long slim cigar in my fingers and blowing smoke out in spirals into the air. I should have long wavy black curls of silken sheen, a heavy curtain that the wind lifts and carresses into twirls around my shoulders, melding into the satin of the cloth that billows around my knees.

I've been reading the Loveless manga I've downloaded. A duality struck me, reminded me of what I'd seen before in the relationship between Ritsuka and Soubi. Obviously Seimei was the dominant when he was Soubi's sacrifice. Even in the terms Fighter and Sacrifice there is this oddity. One would think that the Fighter was the dominant role, since the Fighter fights the battles and the Sacrifice absorbs the Fighter's damage, represented in restraints the form of shackles. However, it is the Sacrifice that orders the Fighter about, the Sacrifice who decides and the Fighter who obeys. Soubi calls both Ritsuka and the deceased Seimei "Master". But the diminutive Ritsuka is led on by Soubi, who tells him tales and keeps secrets from him. Soubi who pursues him and lures him and seduces him. Soubi is in control here, and Ritsuka blinded, follows. Soubi is an adult, he has lost his ears, and he says of Ritsuka "Oh... it seems he's still so afraid. What is he looking for? Such a vulnerable expression on his face... is just an invitation to be picked up". One would assume he is the uke. Yet he also says "... Ritsuka's trembling voice. The voice of my Master". It is contradicting and misleading. Perhaps it truly captures the epitome of the D/s relationship. How at appearance it is the D that controls, who seduces, who directs. Yet it is the weak s, the small, diminutive, vulnerable Ritsuka, that holds the reins and allows or disallows. Complicated in its beauty; it is perhaps the purest simbiotic relationship.

The little girl, the rain, and her blog...

2005-11-03T05:50:00.000+11:00

Currently reading : Leona's Blog
Recently watched : Love Revolution Ep 1-4
Listening to : The welcome rain
Wants to be : Dancing outside...
Should be : Studying (repetitive, ainnit?)
Feeling : Happy

I think I am decided that I will take a Creative writing subject as an elective next year. I should try it out. After all, if James can do it, I should be able to manage... I hope.

It's lovely. I'm sitting in the living room, with the balcony doors wide open. The wind is gushing in from the outside, carrying with it the scent of wet leaves and a mist of rain. It is a beautiful morning. Just the way I like it. Sky overcast with scuds of darkling clouds. The poor old tree that has finally recovered its frock of leaves trembles and shakes as the wind threatens to steal its dress away... I've just taken a bath. I feel cool and wet; a contrast indeed to the fevered skin of last noontime. I don't deal well with summer weather. It was 32 degrees in the afternoon. I smell of chocolate. I love the body shampoo I bought. It was only 3 dollars too. Chocolate truffles, its called. Absolutely decadent.

Did I ever confess a fetish for ambitious, driven men in suits? I love men in suits, that whole corporate look. I like them driven, ruthless, powerful, oozing confidence... Bae Yong Jun's character in the Hotelier for one, and Fujiki Naohito's Suga in Love Revolution. I didn't like Yong Jun in Winter Sonata. Too soft. Hated his hair. But when I saw him in the Hotelier, he just made my heart beat faster. Bump Bump. I liked him because he was mean, because he would be successful and let no one in his way. He did things his way, no compromises, and came out on top of his game. To hold the fate of hundreds in the palms of his hands. Of course, its also the suit and the glasses. Hahaha. I love a man that looks sharp in a well tailored and fitted suit, not those sloppy ones that are loose around the shoulders or torso. And if you are wearing a nice understated tie, I'll likely step close to you and yank you close for a nippy kiss. And if you continue being a ruthless sharp man intent on getting your way, you will likely drape it around my throat later on and pull on it to make me look up at you as I kneel, lips inches away from you, breath hot on your skin.

Suga of Love Revolution was another one
entirely. Womanizer. On top of his field. He is a reporter, and gets his information by playing women like instruments in his lovely slender fingers. His coldness is what I like. Confidence. Knows his attractiveness and uses it calculatingly. I am still attracted to these playboy characters, the brash and cocky Lestat-like brat princes of the world out there. Demonstrating superiority. He can make and destroy the reputations of politicians out there. I liked the moment when he pauses here, and then pulls away with a knowing smirk in his eyes.

Alright, I'm sorry if all I've been writing is steamy posts lately. My hormones are on overdrive. I blame it on ovulation. When I'm over this faze, I promise I shall write something more meaningful. But aren't beautiful people entertaining fodder? Beauty is beauty, and everyone loves to gaze upon it. Even if its pretty little manga boys like this. See? Isn't he adorable? The Japanese had it right when they worshipped their bishounen. Their women and men are becoming more and more interchangeable nowadays, you can hardly tell which is which in both their popular anime/dramas and on the streets of Tokyo. Androygyny is natural to them after all, the gender lines were never clearly delineated until the Meiji era, when government condemned effeminacy and cross-dressing to promote an aggressive, masculine attributes to strengthen their military.

The wind has stopped, and the rain was too short. But the tree outside my window looks happy now, its leaves a verdant young green, washed clean of the dust that rises from the streets. Looks like its going to be another sunny day, god forbid. Whatever happened to the predicted thunderstorm last night? I could use one right now, the skies the heavy dull grey colour of metal; opening up to unleash torrents of water sheeting down from the sky and the flash of white lightning splitting the heavens apart. Beautiful. Cool. But I suppose Wen wouldn't like that as he has to walk to work quite soon. Oh, I don't mind it raining after he got there. Even the soles of my feet are sweating for chrissakes.

On an interesting note, look what Leona wrote...

Edit: I just discovered some interesting blogs who link me annoymously and all I can say is.. I'm so ashamed of myself! My blog is filled with nothing but incessant ranting going on and on about nothing at all. I can't write intelligently (or rather, have never ever Ha Ha.) nor find a muse to spark amusing entries (Ha Ha once again). I shall go reflect upon this and find the Confucius (How the fuck do you spell his name?) in me. (Or just go take a shower. Or something.) BYE!

I wonder whose blog Leona discovered? I have to confess I half wish and half don't that she had discovered mine. I would love to get to know her personally, but she doesn't even know that I exist of course. And of course, reading the above excerpt would you think she does nothing but rant unamusingly on her blog? I love reading her blog. It is amusing. I like to sit there and puzzle out the random sentence or paragraph she leaves when she is in a peculiar mood. Sometimes just one little sentence reveals something so insightful and personal that you can relate with. A hidden gem. What she calls "quirky irrational posts" or "irrational outbursts of random musings". It would make a good introduction, this blog... Hahaha, who am I kidding? This blog is way to personal to link with my face. I wouldn't ever want to be identified as Lisse Li, the writer of Silhouette::